You Want My Tears

“You want my tears”..…”at my worst You meet me there” 


I am afraid of being real with God. I am afraid for Him to see the mess of my life; the raw, unfiltered, shattered mess of me. Somehow, I grew up thinking I had to fix myself before coming to God. Like I didn’t want Him to see I wasn’t okay. I wanted to prove I was worth something to Him. 
I still struggle with this. God knew I was gonna be screwed up when He chose me…. He knew EVERY mistake I would make and still said “yeah, she’s worth my only Son’s blood. I want Emily Hart in My family. I’m giving up all for her.” I can’t…. like what? Why would you want me? Why!? I’ve done NOTHING for you. And yet You want me? I keep messing up. I keep failing and You don’t drop me. I keep expecting to reach the limits of Your grace and I never do…. there’s always more…Your blood covers all. 
I could never repay Him. Never. My works are filthy rags to Him. What does He ask of me in return? To love Him and love others. He asks for love from someone who can’t love Him ever as much as He love…. someone who will disappoint Him…. He wants a lifelong relationship with me. He wants me. Me: My heart, my fears, my dreams, my shortcomings, my brokenness, my scars, my tears, my mess, all of me…. why? He whispers….” because I love you, that’s why.” 
The tears are still streaming down my face. He’s been screaming for me to hear His words, “I love you as you are” and believe them. I am now starting to believe Him. I’ve been longing for someone to love me my whole life and He’s been waiting for me…. He’s all I’ve ever wanted and kept searching in the world to find something or someone to fill that hole…. He’s there always. When the world or my friends or my family doesn’t, He does. He knows what scares me. He knows what pisses me off. He knows what I love. He knows my heart and my mind better than I do. He’s safe. I don’t have to worry about sharing my heart with Him, because He will love me regardless. I can be angry and upset with Him. I can yell, scream, cry and vent and He won’t care… He will listen and love me. He loves me enough to not let me stay in the pit I’m in. He’s also patient with me as I grow. He doesn’t force me to go further than I can. He allows me to struggle with Him through things. He’s a gentleman, but He also challenges me to go beyond what I think I can. He knows my limitations, but knows His power inside of me. 
This is a journey with Him and I am discovering more and more every day. It is painful and hard, but He has me in it. He loves me. He (the God and Creator of everything) loves me (a sinner)… In return I will love Him with all I am. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Healing Through Surrender

Image
I woke up late in the morning –  the accusations fresh in my head “You aren’t good enough. You can’t get passed this. You’ll never have the victory.” I screamed in the shower and started to cry. Why would this come up again at this time? I was under the weight of all of the chaos surrounding my life. I couldn’t take this added weight – I was being crushed. I tried to erase the thoughts, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t. I heard a faint whisper “Come away with Me, Emily” I quickly grabbed my key, headphones, phone, water bottle, Bible, journal, pen and walked out the door. I tend to have long conversations with God when I'm outside. (Praise the Lord for 77 degree weather in PA in February! What?!) I went to a park near the apartment I was staying at and sat by the river.  Photo by Emily Hart I, for some reason, blared a song I’d written the year before and the words “ So hold me tightly and wrap me in Your arms ” kept resounding in my heart….and...
Read more

Come Away With Me

Image
"Now in the morning, having risen long before daylight, He went out and departed to a solitary place; and there He prayed" (Mark 1:35)  "And when Jesus has sent the multitudes away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray." (Matthew 14:23)  "So He Himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed" (Luke 5:16)  This season has not been an easy one. There are times when I just want to crawl into a corner and never face people or life again. I've begun to process the things that have been going on in my life and it's messy and painful. I would rather not deal with it if I'm honest with you and myself. I want to shove it into a box and bury it - but growth doesn't happen unless we get to the root of the problem and allow Jesus to heal it. As seen in the accounts of Jesus' life - He realized that He couldn't walk in this life without the Father and I am beginning to understand the same thing. I can't get thro...
Read more

While the Moon Shines Through the Windows

Image
Sometimes you just have to accept reality. Like right now.....I am awake at 1:14 am and have to be up in 4 hours - but my brain is fully alert and the last three hours of trying to sleep hasn't worked. So I might as well do something useful with my time. The reality is that I probably shouldn't have had a cup of coffee at 9:30 pm....but it sounded way too good to say 'no' to it paring perfectly with my gluten-free chocolate cake. But "reality", however, sometimes isn't what we can see. At times we just have to have faith even when His promises can't be seen in our lives today. I've been thinking a lot about the characters in the Bible and their every day life. We only get glimpses of what happened. We don't get to see the minute by minute struggles they went through. How they wrestled....how they made it through....what things did they keep in front of them to keep going? I would love to just have a month to walk around with Abraham and s...
Read more