Healing Through Surrender

I woke up late in the morning –  the accusations fresh in my head “You aren’t good enough. You can’t get passed this. You’ll never have the victory.” I screamed in the shower and started to cry. Why would this come up again at this time? I was under the weight of all of the chaos surrounding my life. I couldn’t take this added weight – I was being crushed. I tried to erase the thoughts, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t.

I heard a faint whisper “Come away with Me, Emily”

I quickly grabbed my key, headphones, phone, water bottle, Bible, journal, pen and walked out the door. I tend to have long conversations with God when I'm outside. (Praise the Lord for 77 degree weather in PA in February! What?!) I went to a park near the apartment I was staying at and sat by the river. 

Photo by Emily Hart

I, for some reason, blared a song I’d written the year before and the words “So hold me tightly and wrap me in Your arms” kept resounding in my heart….and I was like “Nope, I don’t feel You right now. I’m rather upset with all You’ve allowed into my life.” I felt alone. 

A friend of mine, the night before, had told me that it was okay to admit to God I was angry about situations that had come into my life. I didn't want to - I have always had a hard time admitting to God I was angry with Him.

But finally, I did. I began to write down everything that I was feeling – the hurt, the pain, the struggle, the heartache, all of it. Looking at it – just made things worse – all my mess was in my face and I could do nothing to fix it. I was angry at God for allowing all of this and not stopping any of it. For making me trust people who ended up hurting me. For the struggles I was facing. 

The Lord gently whispered “Em, look back and see what I’ve done.” I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay in the sorrow – I was afraid to move forward.

So I write really small (just so you know) and so the journal that I was carrying with me had the last year of devotional notes, prayers, verses, and things the Lord had spoken to me through others. So I relented and began to read from page one of my journal.

The first few pages I had asked the question “Who does God say I am?” and I had written “Redeemed child of God. Precious in His sight. His beloved. Beautiful. My love. My bride. Chosen. His. Loved. Made by Him. Forgiven.”

Next I saw these words “Look at your pain and suffering in light of the good that is coming out of it – focus on His kingdom and what your suffering is doing to advance it.”

"You can't have the peace of God without being at peace with God" - James MacDonald

Every page that followed spoke to so many of the situations I was facing. I was in shock. God had me use the things that He taught me the previous year to speak right to every last one of my current struggles. He gently said “The things that you went through last year have a purpose – they are helping you overcome the things that are in front of you now.”

I spent three hours with Him that afternoon – I began to walk again with Him – I began to heal. I started asking Him different questions. “Show me what You want me to do in this situation? How do You want me to depend on You and not others or my circumstances? Please help me to see Your purpose in all of this”

My attitude changed. My heart changed. My view of how big God was changed.

Immediately He gave me a new song in my heart and I couldn’t stop smiling. I no longer had to bear my burdens alone – I knew He was with me now – walking with me carrying me through each trial.

“All our sickness, all our sorrows
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still

Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to praise
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed

Rejoice, when you cry to Him He hears 
Your voice, He will wipe away your tears
Rejoice, in the midst of suffering
He will help you sing

Rejoice, come and lift your hands and
Raise your voice, He is worthy of our praise
Rejoice, sing of mercies of your King
And with trembling rejoice”

-Rejoice by Dustin Kensrue

I didn’t want to stay in the dark place I started that day in. I wanted His victory in my life. He had already healed so much this last year – why would I not believe Him for healing in these other areas? He showed me that He indeed was trustworthy and was able to perform great things in my life if I would only walk in obedience to Him – laying my life in His hands.

Surrender doesn’t come easily – but it is so worth it. I chose surrender that day and have had to choose it each day. It’s something that will be life long - your flesh will fight for your own rights and your will – BUT His will – His purposes for your life are way beyond what your eyes can see or your mind can imagine. He will use all things together for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28-29 - promises us that)

You can trust our sweet Lord my dear friends. He is showing up in great ways. Look for His hands moving and working in your life. Write things down that He does – it will fuel your faith for your current situations.

Let us fight with His promises to us – let us not allow the enemy have a great hold in our lives – let us live in the victory He won for us at the cross! For freedom Christ has set us free!

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, rejoice!" - Philippians 4:4